so fucking empty.

. . . . . .
really don't know what to feel or to say.

let's just say i've gotten used to not getting any supports on everything i do or did. it's saddening, i know.
not even sure why am i getting so upset for not getting any lately.
is it the feeling of realizing how pathetic my life is or because they don't know how i feel.
not sure.

it's so sad to receive calls, asking about something that is ONLY related to them.
i wonder if they really care.

i'm a teenager, who suffered from depression. what am i supposed to feel.

this is so sad. i'm so sad.

"why are you answering me grumpily?"

fuck it. i'm tired.

late night conversations.

i honestly dislike talking to people late at night. it's okay ya kalo emang ngobrol nya few hours sebelum tengah malem. tapi kalo ngobrolnya tengah malem. um, just please stop talking to me. 

i'm the kind of person who's emotional on late at nights and i hate some deep conversations. i pour my thoughts late at night, i blabber about what i feels late at night and i honeslty don't want anyone to know that. i hate it when people wants to enter my life, wants to know the other side of me, wants to get to know the real me. just, no. stop. 

i push people away from my life. i'm used to be alone, the feeling of loneliness and emptiness is how i live my life up 'till now. 

i have a big ego and i don't care about it.

i wish people would stop talking to me late at night and distance themselves from me. because they will never know me. 

i'm used to be alone. 

aku nggak judes, i'm too lovely for that.

"kesan pertamaku ketemu kamu itu ya... judes."
"kamu dan temen-tememu itu dikenal judes dan jahat."
"kamu kalo ngomong jangan jahat-jahat dong."

oh god, why. aku itu gak judes, cuman kalo ngomong aja agak kasar dan ceplas ceplos. but seriously, i'm not that sarcastic. 

you just don't know me. and you will never know. 

it's almost the end of 2014.

iseng, buka-buka blog. looking at the posts i published long time ago, nggak kerasa udah sma aja. udah sma, udah bukan anak smp lagi, bukan bocah lagi. well, still a bocah compared to my relatives and internet-friends and some other acquaintances that are older than me. lucu aja sih ngeliat how immature i used to be. although i still am. but as the year passes,  i learnt how to be mature. how to be mature in every situation. udah nggak boleh nanggepin semua hal dengan ngerengek.

"adek kan udah besar, harus belajar dong."

nggak kerasa habis ini 2015. time flies so fast. padahal baru 4 tahun lalu pindah ke Malang. or was it 5? 

"gimana? di Malang enak nggak? enakan disana atau disini?" pertanyaan yang udah nggak pernah didengar lagi. sedih. it's funny how 10 years old elementary school-er calls each other as bestfriends padahal kalau udah pisah ya pastinya lupa sama lain. (or emang cuman menurutku aja ya)

"nggak usah beratin temen yang disana, yang kamu panggil dengan kata 'sahabat'. mereka juga pasti lupa."

i should've believed that sentence. i was so stupid dan labil buat nanggepin yang kayak begituan. regretting how i raised my voice at my parents because they said those thing to me even though i know now that what they said was true. i should've known.

then again, people come and go. we should learn how to let it go or we'll hurt ourselves with our ego.

but god damn it, i'm only 16. how do you let something go and smile at it?